heart and soul, one will burn

reflection

i think i need to take a step back tonight and breathe. take a look at where I am because my head was ALL over the place today. I had thoughts and feeling that I haven’t felt since maybe sophomore year- I know what triggered them but I want to accept and let go for now.

1. I leave in two months for two years.

I need to grasp this fact. Its basically impossible. I prepare myself all i want. Read, email current volunteers, watch videos, read blogs..in the end I ultimately have no idea what I am going to feel like in Mongolia. As much as I try to attain a “here and now” mentality, I feel like a giant grandfather clock is ticking over my head. I feel this weird sense of making sure all my pieces are together in the states before I leave. Wether this be forgiving those who have done me wrong, forgiving myself for mistakes in the past few years, spending time with my loved ones, graduating with the highest GPA i possible can atm,…ect… It’s this odd pressure to make sure I leave off on the right note. 

It’s irrational. When I get back- the puzzle pieces will most likely be all over the place. My butt will be in my heart and my heart will be in my feet and my eyes will be in my toes. what’s the point of getting everything together if it’s all going to fall apart? you know what. 

things are they way the are. Life is a continuous process of letting go. my god damn capricorn traits need to chillax on this stuff. I’ve been meditating less recently, I should make it a daily habit again. I am sure that would help. breathe.

2.  Relationships

I have developed a beautiful friendship my senior year of college. One of the best friends I’ve ever met- I’ve become close to over the past year. it’s really crazy the way life hands you things when you aren’t looking. I really don’t know what I would do without my friends. 

On reflection, I have certainly stood clear of any sort of romance over the past 6 months. In my eyes, dating & romance is SO overrated. Love? that’s a different story. I think some of the relationships my friends are in are absolutely beautiful. But the whole dating thing- bullshit. set time out for your friends first. don’t settle. don’t wait. spend time with people that bring out the best in you, that will always be there for you. I refuse to put all my energy into anything less than something extremely meaningful..and if that’s just friendship for now- so be it. I am so god damn happy alone, I really feel no need for it anymore.  I don’t even get angry about people who date 15000 people in a year. They are happy that way, good for them. That’s how they grown and find themselves. For me- I find myself-alone, surrounded by good people. 

3. more to come im falling asleep typing.